What it feels like

I'm feeling dissatisfied with my writing these days. No, I'm not fishing for compliments. I just don't like what I was writing. I liked the ideas, but the words came out all wrong. I failed to capture the ideas for what they were. The words didn't fit. I can't edit words that have already been written. I am incapable of doing that; I don't really know what's wrong. It's best that I start afresh. Someday, I will write about the same things again, and hopefully the essence will be better represented.

As much as I appreciate logic, I can't help but do things intuitively. Things either feel right or they don't. I can't put words to everything. It's not a good thing. When my intuition is right, it's all good. When my intuition is wrong, I end up looking really dumb. Being unable to explain things makes me feel bad about myself too.

There was once when all I was able to say was that it wasn't right. I tried describing what was wrong, but I ended up going round in circles. Eventually, the other person was able to explain to me what was wrong. But wait, shouldn't it have been the other way round?

According to a recent paper, our subconscious decisions are better than our conscious ones, especially when the decision is complex. I loved the advice that the department chairman gave us when we were deciding on our schools. "Flip a coin. If you don't like the side that turned up, you'll know that you've chosen the other school." I wish I could say that I knew then that I will find the most brilliant minds and the best researchers to learn from here. I didn't. What I felt was that I've found a place where I will be comfortable in. It wasn't the science but the philosophy that drew me. Learning is a matter of attitude as well, and perhaps more about that than being smart.

There isn't really a place where I belong to, but for now, I know I belong here. I didn't make the decision based on reason; I found the reasons to match my decision. Sometimes, it's better to just flow along.