my latest muse

I think Karl Lagerfeld is a fascinating man -- erratic, whimiscal, in denial, in the current, charismatic.

Sticking to what's right

I sometimes think that I would lead a better life if I weren't the one making all the decisions. Choose exercise, a healthy diet, good work ethics, real friends, nice guys. It's so much easier to enforce such decisions if all you can do is carry them out. Instead we make excuses.

I chose a pack of organic eggs last week at the grocery store. I didn't really care if they were healthier coz the chickens were fed a vegetarian diet, or whatever they did to make them give healthier eggs with omega-3 oils. I just wanted a cage-free bird, a bird that didn't have its feet trimmed so that it would fit better in a cage. Organic eggs cost twice as much as regular eggs, and they don't taste any different. But an extra $1.50 doesn't really make a difference either does it? It all depends on how you choose to think of that $1.50 -- twice the usual price, or just $1.50? I told myself it was just $1.50, and bought the pack. My true view of things though is that they are expensive eggs. But will I continue buying organic eggs? Yes, I think I will. I don't consume eggs very much, so it's not much of a cost difference. But that leads to the next questions: how about organic milk? Or vegetables? Or meat?

I guess a little research is in order: I just read an article on organic milk and I don't think it makes a difference to me. I do think that it will make a difference when I have children that I don't want to feed growth hormones to. I might head over to Whole Foods for vegetables when it's warmer. I knew someone whose family owned a farm. She buys organic coz it's better for the farmers -- no pesticides and such. I recall some people saying that organic things taste better, but I doubt I'll be able to tell the difference.

I have sorta made a decision, but will I stick to it?

Can I really make a difference?

I was playing this game online last night, and it was rather addictive. It's about managing the cost of living of a family of 5 from Haiti. You want to keep them healthy, give them education and a way of of the cycle of poverty. Noble causes that are exactly up my alley. I can't seem to find a solution. They get sick so easily (perhaps it's the poor working conditions), healthcare is so expensive, and they keep starving. I've killed the parents twice, and I've completed the game once as of this morning. Even then, it wasn't ideal. Sure they are surviving, but things aren't great. If not by some stroke of luck (no hurricanes, free reading programs, bumper crop and such), they probably would have died. Family fortunes fluctuate a lot: one year they are saving lots, and the next year they are in the hole. By the time I was done with the 4 years I had to care for them, I wished I could have continued the game to make everyone finish their education, and see what happens to the stall they just bought. Then again, it is only just a game.

I'm reminded of how I wanted to do international aid work before I started college. Then I got sidetracked into science and kind of decided that there were better and more devoted people out there doing good. I didn't really think about it much till over a year ago when I saw The Constant Gardener, and realized that I may just be on the other side of where I want to be. Aid workers versus big pharma. I wasn't exactly with the big pharma, but I am in the same part of the world, in the same town. I don't believe that they are doing bad things, but I sure don't think that they are making things easy. Looking from my side, I do realize that discovering new medicines and all that manufacturing stuff are expensive endeavors. Yet I feel like we aren't serving everyone as well as we can.

Not that I am in a position to do much international aid work right now. I do know that I could be doing more for my community in general. I should. It'll be good for me. I don't know if I am going to make a difference. I don't know if it's enough to know that I seem to be doing something, goodness knows how effective or useful I may be. Perhaps I should ignore these doubts. There is no point in examining things too closely.

That book on happiness I'm reading? There is a story inside about someone who was shot by an arrow. Instead of examining the arrow and seeing the details of every splint, the more important thing is to get treatment and remove the arrow. The details and introspection don't matter. But it's so hard to keep that in mind.

The paradox

Sometimes you're alone and you feel lonely. Because of conventional wisdom, you know the right thing to do is to call up your friends and go out. And you do that and often enough it works.

Sometimes you're perfectly happy with yourself, and you're alone. And you join a group of people and hang out with them and you feel terribly alone, during, after, at some point, sometimes.

Your friends are that group of people. Why do they make you feel lonely?

People who read self-help books are people who have taken the first step in the right direction, admiting that they have a problem. I am currently reading a book on happiness. Am I lacking something in my life? I've been told that I either look really happy, or I look really sad. Laugh because you'll cry when you stop smiling. How extreme.

No, I'm not in the darkest of abysses. But gloomy thoughts permeate me always. Is my life half-empty or half-full?

About words and sounds

I would like to see Chasing Amy again. I saw that movie years ago and I remember that I didn't like it. But I would like to see it again.

I first heard of the movie when driving with friends on a dark sky observation trip. One of the songs from the soundtrack, Kiss the Rain, was playing on the car stereo, and it had the most heartfelt love confession I've ever heard, complete with pouring rain and slamming car doors. Pardon me for being female. In any case, my curiosity was piqued and I wanted to know what the movie was about. Amy said that we could watch it some time, and the guys joked about her wanting to see it coz it was Chasing Amy. We somehow ended up concluding that it wouldn't have worked as well if my name was in the title. We did end up seeing the movie -- a messed up love story about a guy and a lesbian that didn't work out. It was sad, and confusing.

I saw Big Daddy last night and it's an okay film. It was playing on tv, and I didn't have much going on. Then I heard the voice of the girl playing Layla, Adam Sandler's love interest, and I was intrigued -- who's that girl? I suspected that it was the same girl from Chasing Amy, except I couldn't remember her face. But her voice was unique, special, and very alluring. I wish I had a voice like that. Thought about her voice all night, and decided that I had to watch Chasing Amy again.

Words and sounds are all very powerful, but I usually remember scenes from movies visually or emotionally. The few exceptions are Chasing Amy, Mulholland Drive, and Chungking Express. Mulholland Drive is a mess of visuals in my head, but Llorando plays clearly. Chungking Express is unique in that I remember both sounds and visuals -- the "I like pineapple" scene, and California Dreaming. I should write about Chungking Express someday. And you should see it someday if you haven't already done so.