The value of the unknown

There needs to be some sort of a personal philosophy about writing, I think. I used to only write when I had something to let out, which means that anything I wrote was pretty much sad. I know some people like to write happy thoughts down, which is fine. But what about those in between days, when you're neither sad or happy? You still have thoughts, and I think they are worth just as much. A friend suggested that I write only when I'm in the mood to, but I think I should make myself sit down and write anyway. This is not a finished work, but a work in progress. I can throw everything else out later when I want to consolidate posts, but really, which post is worth more?

The thing is, when I write, it's always a stream of conscious thing. I don't really know what I am going to say next, and unless it came out really badly, I wouldn't delete it. That means there is the potential for anything with the next word that comes out. I shouldn't judge my words before they appear.

It's not so bad writing stream-of-conscious style. I unfortunately also happen to also say what I think, meaning I don't know what I'm going to say next. I can't rehearse a presentation, and I can't give the same presentation twice. The second one will always suck. I think I like the uncertainty of doing things off the cuff. It gives a special flavor to the generic flow of affairs.

I gave a radio interview once. Nothing special. The lady asked me (and some others) some harmless questions because we won some awards. It was, in short, boring. I don't know what parents would typically do if their kid gave a radio interview. My dad recorded the interview because I asked him to, but I have no idea where the tape is now. When he drove me to school the next day, he told me that I was weird and started laughing. It turns out that I almost messed up answering a simple question and because I didn't know what went wrong, my dad had to tell me what I did. I couldn't deny it because my dad had evidence, but I couldn't bring myself to hear the real thing.

So the interviewer asked me if I was surprised to receive the award. The correct answer, as we all know, is "yes". I said "no" very matter of factly, and my dad insists that over the air, you can hear a pregnant pause while she tried to think of an appropriate reply. "Why not?" she said, and her voice betrayed her surprise. I said "I knew my teacher nominated me for this, and the director of ___ wrote me a letter of recommendation, so I stood a chance of winning."

I didn't realize that I said something totally unexpected and arrogant. I have a selectively bad memory, and I might have blotted out the fact that things were awkward for a while on air. Maybe I am just socially incompetent. In any case, my dad was impressed that I made my "save". If only he knew what other things I have been saying to important people behind close doors... No, I'm not telling all. Not tonight, or the near future. I can't make promises about forever though.